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Jewish Mothers
When the doctor called Mrs. Liebermann to tell her that her
check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."
There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life
begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable
until after it graduates from medical school.
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too
good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why
are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 5 days."
The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 5 days?
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled
with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's
been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is
it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The
mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking part."
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women
like Chinese food so much. The study revealed it is due to the
fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is "Not Now".
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm
bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native
American and her name is Shooting Star." "How nice," says his
mother. "And I have an Indian name too," he says. "It's 'Running
Deer' and I want you to call me that from now on." "How nice,"
says his mother. "You should have an Indian name too, Mom," he
says. "I already do," says the mother. "You can call me Sitting
Shiva."
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on
the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force
yourself," she replied.
Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."
My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty... they sent
her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
Q. Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to
stomp on a wine glass?
A. Because it's the last time he'll put his foot down.
My mother is very possessive. She calls me up and says things
like "You weren't home last night when I called. Is something
going on?" I say, "Yeah, Mom. I'm cheating on you with another
mother."
A young Jewish Mother walks her son to the school bus corner on
his first day of kindergarten.
" Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and
think about your Mother,
bubaleh"
" And come right back home on the bus,
bubaleh."
"Your Mommy loves you a lot, my
bubaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to
her son and hugs him.
"So what did my
bubaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers, "I learned my name is Sammy."
Four Jewish brothers left home for college. They became successful
doctors, and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted
after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they
were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in
another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in
the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her
an SL600 with chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved
reading the Torah. And you know, too, she can't read anymore
because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me
about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty
rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$100,000 a year for 20 years to the temple. Let me tell you...it
was worth it. All Mama has to do is name a chapter and verse and
the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote:
Milton, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my
groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver
you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.
Menachim, You give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it
could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my
hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the
gesture just the same.
Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to
give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.
Thank you.
A Jewish mother's answering machine:
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If you want lox and eggs, press 1;
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If you want knishes press 2;
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If you want chicken soup, press 3;
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If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
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If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the
wrong number since NOBODY ever asks me how I am feeling. Who
knows? I could even be dead by now.
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